Interview with Carrie Hugus Today, Tyler R. Tichelaar of Reader Views is pleased to interview Carrie Stark Hugus, who is here to talk about her new book “Crossing 13: Memoir of a Father’s Suicide.” A former marketing and communications executive, Carrie Stark Hugus is married and the mother of two children. She is a Colorado native, and lives with her family and dog, in Highlands Ranch. Carrie is a professional speaker on the topics of understanding and comforting a child survivor of suicide and helping adolescents with sudden loss. Tyler: Welcome, Carrie. I’m excited to talk to you today. To begin, will you explain to us why you wrote this book? I understand it’s based on your personal experience?
Children grieve differently than adults do. Because children are less able to express their feelings, their pain may go unnoticed by family members and loved ones. A child’s unresolved grief can have profound effects later in life including difficulties with trust and problems with intimate relationships. Substance abuse and dependency problems are frequently the results of a person’s inability to cope fully with an early loss experience. As survivors of suicide, these individuals are in a high-risk group for taking their own lives, as well. My hope is that by sharing my story with other young adults written in their voice, other child survivors may be more open to express their own grief, work through their pain, resulting in less risk for future life problems and/or suicide. Tyler: Carrie, can you explain to us why that is the case—that suicide can basically become a cycle within a family, the children of a suicide also committing suicide themselves? Carrie: Because of the stigma surrounding suicide many families do not work through their pain of losing their loved one. They hide it away. This isolation can result in unresolved grief and lead to substance abuse problems and potentially suicide as a way of coping with pain. Tyler: Now, will you share with us your own story and that of your father’s suicide? How and why did he choose to commit suicide? Carrie: My father left no note explaining why he did what he did, leaving me consumed with questions and regrets. What could I have done to prevent this? Why didn’t I see this coming? Why didn’t I have the courage to enter the garage and try to stop him sooner? How could everything I grew up thinking and believing about my father be a lie? Tyler: Carrie, did you know of any warning signs beforehand that your father intended to commit suicide? Carrie: The question that occupies anyone impacted by a suicide death for some time is “why?” This inquiry has never completely left my mind regarding my father. Over the years I’ve struggled for answers by linking his suicide to his separation, our financial problems, or the death of his father a few years before. The fact is there are several behavioral, environmental, and cultural risk factors that can lead to suicidal thoughts. Based on the accounts of those who have attempted suicide and lived to tell about it, the primary goal of a suicide is not to end life, but to end pain. My father was not in his right mind the day he chose to end his life. As for why—I believe I will never truly know. All I can do is go on living and try to focus on the memories of his life and not his death. Tyler: Carrie, you mentioned that your father did not leave a note, but we hear that suicide notes tend to be commonplace? Do you know anything about the percentages of suicides who do leave notes, or what motivates a person contemplating suicide to write a note of goodbye or even an explanation? Carrie: I really don’t know the statistics around people leaving notes. What I have heard is that often a note does not always answer the question of why. Tyler: Carrie, we often hear about teen suicide, but not adults, especially not parents, who commit suicide. Is a parent’s suicide a more common problem than we think? As a child, did you know anyone else who experienced a parent’s suicide a young age? Carrie: Approximately 24,000 children, aged 18 and under suffer from the death of a parent to suicide each year in the United States. Based on this estimate, there are 700,000 children who became survivors of suicide in the last 29 years. Of this group, 80% grieve for their father. I am among their company . . . a teen survivor. One of the largest numbers of suicide deaths is among men, between 24 and 44 years of age. My father is part of this group . . . he was 38 years old when he died. When I was a child I did not know anyone else whose parent had died by suicide. In school I was asked to participate in a grief group for kids who had lost a parent. It seemed to me that all the other parents had died normally, from things like cancer and car accidents. I sat quietly through every session saying as little as possible and trying to be invisible. Tyler: Carrie, why do you think fathers rather than mothers tend to be the ones who commit suicide? Carrie: Statistically women attempt suicide more than men, but men complete suicide more than women. The number one method of suicide by men is by gunshot, it is because of this method that men complete suicide more than women. Tyler: Will you tell us about your family’s background? Carrie: Up until my father’s death I had lived a fairly sheltered life and I thought my family was just like any other family. We were a family of five including a mother, three daughters, and a father. Tyler: But you mentioned a separation—did your parents have marital problems at the time—and you mentioned financial issues? Can you elaborate on those—were they signs you were too young to notice? Carrie: My father came to me two months before he died telling me he and my mother were separating. I did not know my parents were having troubles and I was shocked and confused by his announcement. After my father’s death, we discovered that we had many debts. Collectors started to call, and the late bills began to pour in. That’s how my mother found out we were in debt. Tyler: Carrie, will you explain how your father committed the act—you mentioned a garage? Carrie: My father died by self-asphyxiation in our garage. Tyler: What was your initial response to your father’s death? Carrie: My life was instantly altered upon finding my father dead from suicide. I rode the emotional waves of, shock, guilt, confusion, shame and the obsession with why, before I began to embrace my new normal life. Tyler: How did your relationships with people in your family change after your father’s death? Carrie: In a strange way, Dad’s death made us all closer to each other and created a bond that no one will ever be able to break or understand. We didn’t speak to outsiders about Dad or share our feelings. He became the family secret that was kept tightly locked within the foursome of my self, mom and my two sisters. Tyler: How did you deal with your father’s death as a teenager? Carrie: Through my walk of pain I didn’t always make the healthiest choices. During my teen years I coped by drinking excessively and experimenting with drugs. When these approaches did not alleviate the pain, I turned to teachers and counselors in college for help. Tyler: Would you explain what was the pain you felt that led you to these choices? Was it pain from missing your father, or did you experience guilt because he was gone and you were alive? Did you think thoughts similar to children who go through divorce and blame themselves, such as if I had just been a better daughter, my father would not have done it? Carrie: Guilt is one of the number one feelings a suicide survivor has after the death of a loved one. My guilt was because I didn’t find him sooner, that I didn’t see the signs that he was in pain and that I could have been a better daughter so he would want to stay. After the death of my father, my entire life changed. I moved, my pets were sold and my grandmother who was living with us was put in a state hospital by my aunt. The additional pain I was going through was the grief of losing my father, home, pets and grandmother. Tyler: Carrie, dealing with a parents’ death must be difficult enough, but what made you decide to write a book about it? Carrie: “Crossing 13” began as a personal healing process for me, a place to write down my thoughts and to get clear the event in my mind. After I wrote my coming-of-age story about my father’s self inflicted death, the confusion of finding him and my journey to discovering the “new normal,” I realized my experiences could help others. Tyler: What age group is the book intended for? Will parents and children both benefit from reading it? Carrie: Although “Crossing 13” is written for young adults both children and parents can learn, heal and benefit by reading my personal story. Tyler: Will you tell us a little about the tone of the book—is it written from your viewpoint as a thirteen-year old, in the language you would have used then, or you as an adult looking back? Is it told in first person or in any way fictionalized? Carrie: The book is written in my voice as a thirteen-year-old. It is told in the first person from my perspective. Tyler: How has your perspective changed from when you were thirteen, to now as an adult? Carrie:: Even now, the longing for my father is still with me and I think of him every day. I miss his smile, laughing eyes, sense of humor, and playful spirit. The pain of his death slowly subsided and was replaced with more and more memories of his life. Dad’s suicide, although a large piece of me, has not been the main focus of my life. Since his death I have laughed much, enjoyed both personal and professional successes, and taken pleasure in my favorite activities. Tyler: I understand you also speak in public about suicide and other adolescent issues. Will you tell us more about this work? Carrie: My lecture series about understanding the impact a parent’s suicide has on a child, how to help teens through grief and comforting a survivor was introduced at the 2008 National Suicide Prevention Symposium at Regis University in Denver, Colorado. This free presentation is available by request. Tyler: Would you also tell us about some of the other books you’ve written? Carrie: Look for my life-skills picture books for preschool children with themes of defining your life's purpose, self-love and listening to your inner voice coming soon. Following are the titles: Tyler: Thank you, Carrie, for joining me today. It’s been an honor. Before we go, will you tell us about your website and what additional information may be found there about “Crossing 13: Memoir of a Father’s Suicide”? Carrie: For more information on “Crossing 13” or to request information on my lecture series please visit www.affirmpublications.com Tyler: Thank you, Carrie, for the informative interview. 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